There's something about permanent or continued responsibility that freaks me out. I get a little cagey when well-meaning people around me start to ask me about my plans for the future. And by PLANS, they mean 'start popping out kids, already'.
And while that subject deserves it's own post or ten, this is more about my apprehension toward the requirements that come with tending to something so it doesn't...you know...DIE.
Put that to scale and you have a recipe for a shutdown.
So imagine the paradox of really, really wanting to be as self-sufficient as possible in conjunction with practically shrinking into myself at the thought of being relied on to keep an entire vegetable garden alive. I know this all sounds a little, if not a lot, overdramatic. But this is serious business, my friends. Lives are at stake.
There are a million things that have lent their hand(s) to my personality. I know why I'm so opinionated, just like I know why I'm so great with kids. I know who I got my maternal instincts from just as well as I know whose sense of humor I have. My face is my mom's and my coloring is my dad's. I'm incredibly sensitive...although, I'm relatively certain I was just born that way. I'm a thinker and a processor, just like my younger brother (he's a lot funnier though).
I don't know where my trepidation for permanence comes from. Not in relationships. But in responsibility. It's not laziness. I'm pretty ambitious and determined. And a really, really sore loser.
Well, then. It's fear. Right?
Not fear of failure or fear of the unknown. It's fear of disappointment. What if it's not all that it's cracked up to be? Something I've noticed about myself over the last 3 or so years (and consequently, something I'd like to change...or at least modify) is that I have impossibly high standards. And that leaves no room for error or growth. Which is ridiculous.
So my husband planted a garden and he patiently waited for me to stop hyperventilating over the responsibility. And reminded me of what's to come:
Growth. And lots of veggies.